Recall alert: How demons possessed the LED Mercedes logo
If you’re a tasteless, rich, compulsive tool in America, someone recently left the gate open in Hell, allowing demons to possess your Mercedes...
Americans were informed by Mercedes of America on Friday that anyone lacking the good taste to refrain from installing the optional illuminated triple-point suppository logo for the grille of their GLE 350, 450, or 580, or their GLS 450 or 580, could find demons in possession of the electrical earth.
Demons. Demons with no taste and a poor grasp of aesthetics - but still demons. From hell. (The pit.)
Hilariously, this grounding defect might be shared with the power steering control unit, the wiper motor and/or the left headlamp, depending on how haphazardly the - let’s call him - ‘technician’ installed the ‘feature’. ‘Engineered like no other car’. Thankfully.
According to Mercedes USA, possession by demons might cause the steering, wipers and/or headlamp to (quote) “malfunction”. If that happens:
You think? Amazing.
Upliftingly, according to official National Highway Traffic Safety Administration documentation, Mercedes US has managed to find 12,799 chronic CMD sufferers wealthy enough to tick the box for the optionally illuminated ‘CMD star’, as I just decided it should henceforth be known. And that’s just this year.
CMD is, of course, Compulsive Masturbatory Disorder - a terrible affliction that strikes down the recently wealthy, usually in their prime. The Mayo Clinic is working hard on a cure, thus far unsuccessfully.
The best they’ve managed at this point is this simple screening test for the wealthy. If you think this is a nice idea, you’ve probably got the CMD gene. The test is over 99 per cent accurate.
According to the Mercedes USA website, the CMD Star costs just $500 - and no extra charge for botching the wiring. You can even compliment it with the LED-illuminated running boards (just $650) - if you prefer the full ‘CMD Starship Suppository’ look.
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Obsessed, compulsive
Somewhat less commonly, CMD is thought to affect those who commission others to carve their name in block letters, three kilometres long, the better to be seen from space, in the sand upon their private desert island in the Persian Gulf.
Oil Sheikh Hamad bin Hamdan Al Nahyan did precisely that, memorably, almost 10 years ago, now. I think you’d agree, statements of this nature do say rather a lot about a person. He has become - literally - the biggest name in desert islands.
Hamad also owns 200 cars, which he stores in a pyramid, of course. It does seem somewhat excessive. He loves Mercedes, and, presumably, Mercedes loves him. Thus, he might not enjoy this channel.
Hamad’s fleet includes a giant Texaco tanker (giant vehicles are a real thing for Big Ham). He also owns a double-wide Jeep Wrangler, plus an eight-wheeled Nissan Patrol.
There’s this somewhat excessively supercharged Lamborghini, and seven classic Mercedes Suppository 500 SELs, the glorious ‘Beirut Uber’, painted (of course) in the colours of the rainbow.
He is fond of rainbows, and they do call him the ‘Rainbow Sheikh’ behind his back. At the very least, it's all quite distinctive. Those ROYGBIV shitboxes: Icing on a very kooky cake indeed. No word yet on the functionality of the steering, wipers or headlamps there. Anything’s possible.
DIY CMD
If you’ve ever wanted to try CMD for yourself, if building your own giant and/or colourful car-filled pyramid and monogramming your own island in the manner of Hamad remains, sadly, out of reach because you lack the funds to give it a red-hot go, good news.
Leading Chinese innovators on eBay will happily sell you an ‘LED light front grill star emblem illuminated for Mercedes Benz’. Just $64.90 (Australian micro-pesos - that’s nearly free) or four payments of just $16.23 on Afterpay.
You don’t even need a Mercedes-Benz donor vehicle to take full advantage of this incredible CMD-for-yourself opportunity, to experience how the other half live.
With a jigsaw and some duct tape (perhaps some caulking compound if you want to do it ‘fancy’) you could experience CMD for yourself, at a fraction of the cost of the real thing, perhaps behind the wheel of an ageing Hyundai Excel or even mum’s Camry. What an upgrade! She’ll never even know.
Installation’s a breeze, too. Provided, of course, you remember not to short out the steering, the wipers or the lights - but, hey, only a Muppet would make a mistake like that.
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