Mercedes-Benz fails 'customer care' test over COMAND online system - AGAIN
Could Mercedes buy your silence for $500, or would you leak evidence of their grubby behaviour to me? Let’s see what’s behind door number two…
Philip Lakic made a mistake in 2017.
He bought a Mercedes-Benz A-Class. No, I don’t know why either.
This report is everything wrong with customer care in Australia’s automotive industry - still, even today. That’s right, this stuff is still going on.
It didn’t stop with a full-blown car industry investigation by the (hyper-sleeping) consumer watchdog (see my report here>>), the Banking and Financial Services Royal Commission didn’t force these malignant practices into extinction - and it’s exactly why I routinely expose terrible customer service stories for what they are.
Unlike virtually all the other motoring (so-called) journalists, I condemn carmakers which treat you with contempt.
Everything was new and exciting for Mr Lakic, and then the Three-pronged Suppository Death Star management (Australia) turned off their outdated shitbox Windows-based connectivity tech, which they had talked up heavily in the brochure, calling it COMMAND Online. I mean, it was a major selling point.
I’m sure it got several people across the line on the showroom floor.
Mr Lakic there. I love the way these companies comport themselves, under the table, when they think the public isn’t looking.
Goodness me. I’m thinking this kind of thing is exactly what they don’t want. That dirty laundry, flapping in the breeze.
Pro Tip: Companies cannot impose confidentiality conditions upon you like this. It doesn’t work that way. You have to agree, and enter into a contract, for something to be confidential. If they send you something seemingly heavy-handed like this, feel free to leak the crap out of it to arseholes such as me. (If there’s any doubt, ask your solicitor, but it’s fine, generally, as long as it’s not a state secret).
Mr Lakic’s letter from Mercedes-Benz Australia Pacific went on…
Allow me to translate:
‘We turned it off without warning because we couldn’t be arsed with a software patch for our clunky shitbox tech, which was basically outdated when we sold it to you. So we just sun-downed it. In the interests of humanity. We’re altruistic like that.’
Jesus.
Kiddies, I have some bad news. Grandad was up on the roof, earlier today, checking on the welfare of the next-door neighbour, who had been lying in the sun by the pool for hours, and perhaps waxing the err...lawn. Unfortunately he slipped on a loose tile, fell to the ground and injured himself quite seriously. An ambulance rushed him to hospital, but the doctors took one look and decided, in the interest of pool users globally, that his functionality be sun-downed. It was really quite beautiful at the end.
The Best of Nothing
Unfortunately for Mr Lakic, the Suppository Death Star’s insightful and exemplary customer service brush-off experience continued. (See right)
Point of order on this, you dipshits (no reference to individuals is made or implied): You dudes are Mercedes-Benz. The icon. Best or nothing. That should mean something.
Instead of jumping straight to a bad scene from Perry Mason porn, with the lawyers lubing themselves up, how about you try treating Mr Lakic like a customer?
You know, a guy who bought a product with a premium badge and therefore deserves treatment commensurate with that level of (however misguided) elite consumerism? Especially as you (quote) “sun-downed” the shit out of a system, one day, without warning, which he was relying upon.
The ACCC says the legislated consumer guarantee of ‘acceptable quality’ here in Australia means products must, “Do all the things someone would normally expect them to do.” Such as function and not be ‘sun-downed’ arbitrarily.
According to the ACCC, products must, “match descriptions made … in promotions or advertising”. And that these conditions “...also apply to bundled products and services”.
Look, I’m not a lawyer, and there’s probably a lot of fine-print bullshit that can be argued in court endlessly, and a whole bunch of arsehole lawyers can get rich over it. But I understand the spirit of the intent of those guarantees, and so do you.
Therefore, I ask you: Do you think Mercedes-Benz is within its rights here, morally, or well out of bounds? Let me know in the comments below.
More importantly, do you think the Death Star is treating Mr Lakic the way a Mercedes-Benz customer expects to be treated. (Actually, hold that thought until you see the official bullshit offer.)
Here it comes…
And, just to drill it home…
So, the Three-pronged Death Star gave Mr Lakic a week to accept this (personal opinion) bullshit offer. $500 and a gag order.
Like, ‘Here’s your dirty little settlement, which we hope is just enough to make you shuddup and go away forever, and a gag order for you to sign, so you can’t come back.’ #Lawyers
In my view, this is disgraceful conduct.
Pain in the A-Class
This position is, in my estimation, a complete inversion of the term ‘customer care’ and also the polar opposite of all the sales fluff designed to get you into a showroom, where you will shortly be gutted and filleted. You know what I mean.
Until we sun-down it, of course, in the interest of users globally. That written quote you just saw is what the Death Star actually says about connectivity in the current A-Class.
I cannot be the only person here seeing the massive disconnect between the company’s position publicly, and the one taking place under the table, metaphorically. And let’s not forget that Mr Lakic’s A-Class is only three years old. It’s hardly a relic.
I am also - frankly - gobsmacked that Daimler and Microsoft (two of the world’s biggest corporations) were unwilling to get together and come up with a wireless browsing system that would endure for - I dunno - 10 years of operation.
I’m further gobsmacked that their disregard for current owners is so profound that they simply couldn’t be arsed coming up with a patch for this problem.
The boss of Daimler is Ola Kallenius. He’s a human headline, in my view. Very entertaining chap.
“Our vehicles are now platforms of digital progress, and we now operate as a software company…”
Although not, it would seem, a particularly competent or ethical one.
Last word here to Mr Lakic:
That’s right, Mr Lakic is now off to buy a BMW next time around. And plenty of people in the comments on my fine YouTube channel have actively voiced their agreement, including one guy who says he’s buying eight Lexus instead of Mercedes.
Makes you wonder when Benz will finally get the hint.
Just before you think, ‘Oh this won’t happen to me’, I implore you to do some basic homework. This isn’t the first time Mercedes-Benz Australia has treated its customers like second-class citizens.
FIVE EXAMPLES OF MERCEDES-BENZ AUSTRALIA’S CUSTOMER ‘CARE’
1. Around the S-Bend: Flagship Merc busts engine mounts >>
2. COMAND-ing disloyalty: Merc flaunts despite failed tech >>
3. Spate of crabbing right-hand drive Mercedes continues >>
Well, nothing like being a valued customer. Nothing like it.
Pro Tip: the ACCC does not actually act for individuals, so they will not ride into battle for you, on a white horse.
But you should still complain to them about carmaker misconduct, because although they are slow to act, they do wield a big stick, ultimately. And the car industry is on their radar.
Here’s how to complain to the ACCC about Mercedes-Benz, or any other carmaker treating you like Consumer Law is optional.
I did not elicit that commentary from Mr Lakic - it just lobbed without warning in my inbox, as these things often do. I did not go trawling for endorsement, nor did I seek brand-trashing experiences upon which to get my rocks off.
I do not recommend Mercedes-Benz, and Mr Lakic’s unsolicited experience is emblematic of why.
It’s not because the brand’s not an icon. It’s ‘the’ icon of success, to many. It’s not because the product isn’t drop-dead gorgeous - stunning - it is. Absolutely. (Ontologically subjective, but, hey - consensus verdict.) Whoever is styling current Benzes is doing a breathtaking job. Respect.
It’s not because the performance isn’t up there. Drive anything ‘AMG’ - it’s like stepping out of a phone booth in a blue jumpsuit with red underpants … on the outside. But unfortunately, the kryptonite aspect of Three-pronged Suppository ownership is what you’ve just seen: poor engineering and worse customer care.
Buying Mercedes-Benz is like entering into a dysfunctional relationship with a profound power imbalance. It seems to me that Mercedes-Benz customers - at least in Australia - care somewhat more about the brand than the brand fundamentally cares about them.
The soft-roading Subaru Forester packs a punch, and is one of the safest, most practical and capable SUVs on sale today. It’s also a great value, nicely driving and popular five-seater.