Is the new GMSV Silverado really just Holden all over again?

The phoenix named Silverado has risen from the ashes of Holden. The hubris here is ‘export grade’. Forget the past: if you’re compensating, down stairs, the new Silverado pick-up truck is ready for action.

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If you’ve been dead from the neck up for the past five to ten years, here’s the back-story:

A wolf called GM, dressed as a sheep called Holden sucked up billions from the Australian taxpayer - that’s you - and grossly misrepresented its commitment to continue local manufacturing here in Australian, before shuttering the factory anyway and telling anyone dumb enough to listen that this was not just okay, but in fact an excellent result.

Shortly thereafter, the entire Holden business model fell over in slo-mo, because every product they attempted to introduce was either emphatically crap, or irrelevant, or both, and they opted out of the nation, unceremoniously - but not before boning its vestigial dealer network. A parting gift in the time-honoured tradition of the most acrimonious relationship break-ups ever. 

This final coffin-nail process was described as (quote) “incredibly reckless” at a Senate enquiry by Australian Automotive Dealer Association chief, James Voortman.

That was only in August - so, recent history. Holden’s rigor mortis is only just setting in. Stern words indeed, but my sympathy factor: absolute zero. It’s strange to me that car dealers take it so personally when they are themselves treated in the manner that they treat their customers. 

What grounds are there, really, for being indignant, in the circumstances? Riddle me that. The whole process was like Bastardry Inception. Bastardry Babooshka.

Anyway, lividity is only just evident, vis-a-vis the corpse of Holden, and now Silverado. It seems to me that anything orbiting GM is like finding a viper’s nest inside a turd mine - it’s exciting and engaging, but not necessarily pleasant, or what you were hoping for.

Fast forward just 10 or 12 weeks, and meet Joanne Stogiannis, director of Holden 2.0, who says:

“…We invite customers to use our new Locate a Dealer Tool on GMSV.com…”

I agree. If you are seduced to the GMSV dark side, you will need to go online and locate the nearest GMSV dealer tool. Apparently there’s 55 of them (or something) across Australia and New Zealand. No guarantee they’ve turned over any kind of new leaf, on the service and support front, however.

Big Stodge went on to say this in the official press release:

“North American trucks are redefining the ute market in Australia and New Zealand.”

I respectfully disagree there. Silverado sales approximate zero at this point. So, absolute redefinition of the segment there from Silverado: Zero. Jury’s out on the future - anything can happen - although probably won’t.

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For truck’s sake

Here’s why the Silverado is not re-defining the Australian ute market.

RAM is of course just like Silverado, only with different hair and makeup, kinda thing - very hard indeed for those aliens probing us from orbit to tell those trucks apart. Last year was RAM’s first full year on sale here: 2868 sales in a 4X4 dual-cab market of 168,869 units.

I struggle to see how a market share of 1.7 per cent for American trucks could constitute any kind of ‘redefinition’ of a segment. Like, if your share portfolio goes up by 1.7 per cent in a year, you’ve hardly redefined your wealth, it seems to me. These vehicles are, at best, niche. And that’s all they will ever be here - over-hyped, expensive and kind of irrelevant. It’s okay to like them - that’s allowed.

The Silverado (and RAM) party trick is, of course, 4.5 tonnes of alleged tow capacity. This is going to attract some people. It just rolls off the tongue. 4.5 tonnes. (‘I’m in’ - as Jeep would say.) In Silverado’s case this is possible only if you fit a 70mm ball, and limit yourself to 422kg of towball download.

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But this is a vehicle that weighs 2.5 tonnes. (It’s actually 200 kilos lighter than a LandCruiser 200 Sahara.) If you think it’s a good idea to tow a 4.5-tonne trailer with a vehicle such as this, I would submit that you are functionally insane, or staggeringly out of touch. 

Trailers with centralised axle groups - like, single, tandem or triple-axle pig trailers - are fundamentally unstable in yaw and pitch. I’m talking caravans, boats, horse floats and campers. They rely on the underlying stability of the towing vehicle to remain stable in yaw and pitch. And it’s kind of important that they do stay controlled.

So, when the pig is 4.5 tonnes (which is nearly 80 per cent heavier than the Silverado) it’s very easy for the Miss Piggy to nudge the vehicle around, at highway speeds, and the ‘tail’ thus it wags the ‘dog’. And I do mean ‘dog’. Catastrophically. Especially in yaw. This is fundamentally unsafe.

Thankfully the 4.5-tonne tow limit in Silverado is largely bullshit. In practise. See, gross combination mass for Silverado is 7160 kilos. (I’m getting this from their website - the one with the locate a ‘dealer tool’ function.) Take away 4500 for the heaviest trailer and 2540 kilos for the kerb mass and you’re left with just 120 kilos for total payload. (That’s when you’re towing 4.5 tonnes.) I know some caravanners who would overload the vehicle, just by climbing aboard.

Certainly it’s not a ‘his & hers’ proposition. In the immortal words of renowned social philosopher Bonn Scott: “Ain’t no fairy story. Ain’t no skin and bones. But you give it all you got, weighin’ in at 19 stone.” That’s from the insulin resistant caravan owner’s national anthem, 1977. From the double platinum album - Takin’ a dump ‘out there’.

Do consider all this before spending, like, $140,000 on a Silverado and a similar amount on an acoustically transparent shitbox on wheels, which some people still call a ‘caravan’.

I put it to you that GMSV, and Silverado, is a kind of heavy towing confidence trick, from a slightly different leopard wearing pretty much the same old Detroit-patterned spots, talking up the ultimate irrelevant niche vehicle, and almost getting the details right. 

But, even so, I expect some people (generally ‘real’ men) to get wood interacting with their Silverados.

Here’s a ‘real’ man getting wood interacting with his Silverado.

If you actually think buying into this concept is a good idea, I am motivated to enquire: What colour is the sky on your world? But in mitigation I must say Big Stodge seems quite nice, even refreshingly sincere, and that’s rare in the corner office. 

And it’s true what she says: GMSV does have rather a kick-arse online ‘dealer tool’ locator. More carmakers should do that. An upliftingly rare and serendipitously honest find, from where I toil daily, deep in the turd mine.

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