Holden: dead. Finally.
I don’t want to say, “I told you so”, but…
A senior executive GM arsehole has inserted the final sandpaper dildo into Holden - kinda like the way you kill a vampire, only with a uniquely ‘Detroit’ twist.
Holden will be phased out entirely over the next few months and the brand will essentially cease to exist in Australia and New Zealand by 2021.
Perhaps the most telling aspect of this story is that Holden has been so badly managed - the brand - that they couldn’t even sell it. Shutting it down means - literally - that its value is zero, at most.
Holden has tried to make it work with cars like Arcadia: it didn’t.
So, let’s be clear. I did predict this somewhat bleak event, earlier. The writing was most definitely on the wall. But I’m not crowing about it now, and I take no joy in it - except to say, on objective criteria Australia is going to be much better off without those GM leeches.
If you are one of the hundreds of Holden workers who found out yesterday that you will be losing your job, I have nothing but compassion and empathy for you. And I’m sure I am not alone there.
It’s a confronting situation. Thankfully, many of the jobs in question today are portable: sales, marketing, admin, HR. It’s easier to move to another industry with expertise in these areas, than if you build cars for a living. In that sense, Holden’s earlier job losses over the factory closure were worse.
Raw dealer
Holden dealers will cease to exist, too, and related businesses Maven - the Holden backed short term car rental business - and Holden Financial Services, will also be terminated.
This is one of the few times I will ever say this: I feel genuinely sorry for those dealers.
Investments in dealer franchises are high, and the value of those Holden franchises crashed to zero yesterday.
Hundreds of workers at dealerships - who are not part of the official Holden job losses - will also find themselves on the scrapheap, traumatically enough.
Out to sea…
Those official Holden job losses: 600 of the 800 vestigial Holden workers will be given the coveted General Motors’ barbed wire enema in coming months - with the remaining 200 forming a skeleton crew of sorts, which is required for GM to fulfil is warranty, parts and service support obligations, for the next 10 years.
“...This was an agonising decision for us, and one that we didn’t make lightly or easily.”
-GM corporate arsehole
That’s senior executive GM bullshitter Julian Blissett. To whom I’d say: Yeah. You did. Lightly and easily. You’ve been getting the ducks in a row for several months now. Selling all ‘non-core’ businesses globally, and boning right-hand drive production generally.
And just for the record, arsehole, ‘agony’ is a state of extreme mental or physical suffering. So I don’t think it was agonising. And I put it to you, that you get paid six figures to do this shit. You signed up for it. It’s your mission. And you flew here, probably up the pointy end of the plane, where the Veuve Cliquot is bottomless, to deliver this message. In your ill-fitting suit. With your tie that’s not even fucking straight.
I suspect the alleged agony will cease the moment you get back on the plane and fly back to your shithole. Off you go, Jules, we all know your bags are already packed and the taxi is on its way.
So, Julian Blissett mumbled and stuttered for almost five minutes to cement the two key impressions I derived from his statements: A) that he needs an assistant to dress himself, and B) that GM is run by card-carrying cocks.
“...in an orderly transition.”
Translation: We’re boning them. By the end of the financial year, generally.
Speaking of orderly transitions, despite making an announcement of this magnitude, not to mention receiving decades of government funding, sending the $150 million going back to Detroit following the factory closure announcement, senior executive GM cockheads like Mr Blissett here gave the Federal Government next to no warning that this closure was happening.
They (Holden) contacted the prime minister, my understanding is just before they made the announcement, and I was contacted shortly after… to make an announcement with such significance, I think it would’ve shown a considerable amount of goodwill - as well as decency - in picking up the phone and talking to government beforehand.
-Karen Andrews, speaking actual truth
Federal Industry Minister Karen Andrews, 59, making one of the few statements I agreed with, yesterday. Andrews is another Coalition coal-humper and patron of the Australian Shuffleboard Association. I’m not kidding.
Basically, GM dropped a dime on the Prime Minister’s office moments before yesterday’s press conference, and (being the distinctively capable leader he is) God Botherer Six dropped it like a fart in the elevator on the desk of Karen Andrews to deal with. Because: Politics.
“...will be consolidated into other locations globally”
Translation: We’re boning them too. We thought it wholly appropriate to make the ‘fuck you, Australia’ message as comprehensive as humanly possible. Because hey: GM.
“...very strong affinity for this brand.”
But not compared with, say, profit, or doing the right thing morally or ethically, in the markets in which you operate. Arsehole.
Regrettably, despite the tireless work of many good people the business case could not meet GM’s investment thresholds… Weighing against further investment, Holden included the highly fragmented domestic markets for the RHD product…
Blissett, still.
Translation - we’re getting out of right-hand drive because that’s only 25 per cent of the market globally, and we’d rather just sell cars in North America and China, if that’s OK with you.
The Lang Lang proving ground and Holden’s R&D design centre in Melbourne will be unceremoniously closed as well. Pretty soon, Holden will be just a memory - unless you own one, of course, in which case, ‘nightmare’ will be more accurate.
If you just dropped the big bucks on an Equinox or an Acadia … please accept my sincere apologies in respect of the resale value disaster you are about to experience. Here’s what’s happening with your Holden warranty in 2020>>
Holden has well and truly enshrined itself as a lemon car brand of the decade by once again failing to honour commitments to the future - either implied or explicit - as well as demonstrating that it is bereft of decency and morality.
Ultimate dog brand status assured, for unlucky current owners.
A gaggle of corporate GM Cockheads who, among others, helped suck taxpayers dry, siphoned it back to Detroit, screwed over customers, tarnished the brand and shafted Holden manufacturing for good - then fucked off.
No, minister!
Perhaps a Government minister might offer some hope:
“There are a number of changes around the globe that Holden is currently making…”
-Karen Andrews, (claims to be) industry minister
Karen Andrews mincing words, yesterday.
Sounds to me like someone needs to absolve Federal Industry Minister Karen Andrews of her confusion concerning the distinction between Holden and GM. To be fair, that was probably just a slip of the tongue.
This can happen to anyone, live, on air. An industry minister would almost certainly understand the distinction between Holden and GM.
“...They’ve already made previous decisions which have affected Europe, India, Thailand…”
Really? Holden? Decisions in India? OK - if you say so.
“...It’s true a lot of money has been given to these car manufacturers to support them here, that makes it particularly disappointing that Holden is walking away from Australia...”
"Actually, Minister, Holden is being shut down. GM is walking away. That’s an important detail. This semantic promiscuity is making you look like you’re out of touch, Minister.
“We do have Holden Special Vehicles in Victoria; they currently take Holden vehicles and convert them from LHD to RHD…”
Not really - Holden vehicles were already right-hookers, minister. The ones formerly built here and the ones they imported from Europe and South Korea. Already right-hand drive.
I’m not giving the minister a pass on this, because she’s a chick. A) Girl Power - therefore, chicks are equal now, which is why so many of them mow the lawn. And B) Karen Andrews has a degree in mechanical engineering, so there’s no excuse for not managing to keep up.
GM provides a very small number of extortionately priced left-hookers for conversion to right drive by the business formerly known as HSV.
GM. Holden. There’s a substantial difference. GM is in Detroit. Holden; Australia. GM owns Holden. It’s three basic bullet points. Even Scummo could understand this, with the aid of a diagram, perhaps … and that’s not exactly an example of the comprehension bar being especially high.
Not General Motors in Port Melbourne.
“I don’t think it’s acceptable for Holden to have made this decision without consultation with the government…
It’s a GM decision, minister. GM is the boner. Holden is the Bonee. How hard is it? GM is pitching. Holden is catching on this one.
Minister, rule one of standing in front of the press: Don’t look like a fucking Muppet who knows nought about which she speaks. Something to consider for next time, perhaps. You have a staff. They could, like, I dunno, brief you.
I wonder if there’s any light at the end of the tunnel, in the automotive industry domain? Some carrot of hope the minister could dangle, while she’s busily shooting herself, metaphorically, in the dick?
I firmly believe Australia has a key place in the automotive sector...quite frankly electric vehicles and hydrogen fuel cells give us a chance to look at some niche markets
OK - gloves off.
You utter moron. That’s the biggest load of pie in the sky bullshit I have ever heard. 10 minutes face-to-face with you, on this, Minister, and I’d be happy to prove to the public what an out-of-touch limp dick you actually are. Name the time and the place. I’ll be there.
EVs and hydrogen? We’d need actual leadership for that - not a bimbo who apparently doesn’t get that Holden is not GM. And who apparently does not understand marketplace fundamentals like economies of scale and geographic isolation.
The biggest part of the automotive industry, minister, is selling, servicing and maintaining the 12 million cars on Australian roads. Retail sales. Oil changes. Tyres. Brakes. Repairs. How about you bust your arse creating opportunities and removing red tape in that area?
This is, like, a minister auditioning for the Keystone Cops, only really not funny. We are paying Karen Andrews for this level of outstanding comprehension and industry leadership. Policy formulation. I don’t happen to think, however, that we’re getting a reasonable ROI on her.
Holden has a no refunds or returns policy for millions in Australian taxpayer subsidies, nor the zero paid income tax for years.
At least Holden can’t be receiving any more taxpayer funding, right?
…The Automotive Transformation System is ongoing at this point in time and yes there will be support available to assist in the short term….
For fuck’s sake, minister.
How do you expect ordinary Australians to feel about still pouring in the cash? That’s not your money. It’s ours.
How about you don’t fucking disrespect it any longer? Words fail me. I cannot satirise this conduct. It’s completely disconnected from reality and beyond fucking disgraceful in the domain of reasonable community expectations.
Anyway, that’s the announcement. It’s kind of a done deal.
The government is a paper tiger, with no balls - but plenty of girl power.
Karen Andrews dribbled for more than eight minutes and offered nothing tangible in terms of support - except perhaps an example of how preposterously out of touch she is.
Critics, cash, corporate cocks and crying rivers
As soon as the news dropped, I was waiting for the backlash. People out there in denial, or completely ignorant, about who the real enemy was in all of this Holden-themed self-inflicted misery.
Following years of Holden bashing your wish has become reality .... GM have announced the withdrawal of the marque and that probably means lots of their dealers and staff are now looking for a new job.
Congratulations and I hope you are happy to have been such a vocal on-line enemy of GM Australia and helped it become history.
- Bill Barr
To detractors such as this I would say: All I did is report how I saw it, and foretold the future using my strange mental powers (called facts and analysis). I did hate Holden - because of their appalling conduct, in much the same way as I hate drug dealers, pimps and banks.
If you think reporters such as me played an active role in Holden’s demise, you’re insane. This is an entirely self-inflicted wound. I was just freer to say exactly what I think because I liberated myself from needing car company advertising revenue. You know how a dog feels when you let it off the chain? That’s essentially me whenever I wear my ‘C for you know what’ reporter’s hat.
I look forward to working with our people, our dealers and our partners to grow our business and get more and more Australian and New Zealand drivers behind the wheel of more and more Holdens.
-“Big Butts”, ex-Toyota, (very) ex-Holden bigwig
Big Butts could see the shit had hit the fan. Bought a Hilux.
That’s a statement from Former Toyota boss, Dave ‘Big Butts’ Buttner AM, on the 18th of July 2018, when he emerged from hypersleep and took the top job at Holden.
Purportedly installed to turn the sinking ship around. But he boned them last December, after less than 18 months on the job. And he bought a Hilux within three weeks - which kinda says it all.
Retrospectively, he flew Holden’s coop (on the balance of probability) because he either saw the writing on the wall - or (more likely) got tapped on the shoulder - and declined to have his automotive legacy encapsulated by the expression: “He was the guy who killed Holden.”
A dude like him would hate that.
During that tenure, by the way, Holden also tried to point fingers at all the big bad trolls out there in Internet Land saying mean things about them, which was another low-light >>
When Big Butts backed his final one out, on Holden’s dime, GM installed a junior burger boss (whom I critically and accurately assessed at the time as a space-saver CEO) : Interim chairman Kristian Aquilina. The quintessential boy doing a man’s job, in my view. Just minding the shop … until dad burns it to the ground.
"There's lots of tears, lots of hugs. We're a Holden family and we're there for each other."
- Kristian Aquilina
Yeah, nah. Stopping you right here.
You are not a family. There is no ‘family’ dimension to Holden’s reprehensible conduct. The only families are the ones you’ve left unemployed as a result of destroying the business and the brand by your own mismanagement, dishonesty and stupidity, in my view.
L-R: Snuffling Space-Saver and Detroit Douchebag (who CBF). Image: ABC
Playing the ‘sympathy’ card is undignified, it’s weak, and it’s profoundly disconnected from reality.
You clowns - of which you, Mr Aquilina, are the latest in a long, line of distinguished bozos - you did this to yourselves by selling shit product, by lying to the public, by failing to honour your promises, by declining to build the kinds of cars Australians wanted, and by taking taxpayer support under entirely false pretenses, systematically betraying every level of trust the public and both sides of government placed in your shitbox brand over decades.
Holden is not a victim here. It’s just not. Holden does not, therefore, deserve community sympathy.
So, Mr Aquilina, how dare you play the ‘victim’ card, live, on air, at the end? This is what blowing it so badly, for 20 years, actually look like, at the end. This wind-up is a consequence of the decisions Holden took, and its conduct.
This highly creative ‘death in the family’ tear-jerk fantasy victim narrative is a bullshit sandwich with no fucking bread. It’s undignified and indefensible. You lot have been running with scissors for 20 years - and mum always advised against that. With good reason. And now, you’ve fallen over. Join the dots.
This is the death sentence you were installed to carry out, Mr Aquilina. So man the fuck up, grow some balls and at least flip the switch with whatever vestigial dignity you can muster.
“Tune into ABC news radio - it will make you vomit. The Holden boss is tearing up on radio referring to ‘our family, the Holden family’.
You've gotta be fucking kidding. Were they tearing up when they sent back $150 million to GM in the USA? It’s like Centrelink for car manufacturers. Bunch of Septic c##ts”
‘Septic’ - haven’t used that one for years. That’s from one of my highly respected confidential sources, yesterday - a senior lawyer, whom I’ll decline to name, I believe faithfully representing the view of the man in the street, on this, following Mr Aquilina’s recent vomit-inducing interview. Centrelink indeed.
Silver lining
Holden: the end of an era.
Down and out after three score and ten, plus two, following a protracted illness. Soon not to sell cars - but pumping out that export-grade bullshit, right to the very end.
You’re going to see a lot of posts comprising jingoistic Holden masturbation - in the manner of a eulogy - following yesterday’s announcement. I get the emotion if you grew up in a Holden family, and you love the brand. But Australia is far better off without those bloodsucking mother-lovers from Detroit, on all objective measures.
Of course, if you know anyone who might make a more credible Federal industry minister - perhaps your local wino or meth-head whore - please let me know in the comments feed below.
As a silver lining - the best I can do - Holden has committed finally to my program: Make Australia Less Shit.
By the end of August, Holden will Make Australia Less Shit, by no longer existing. And as your next Prime Mincer, I suppose ultimately there’s a Holden initiative I can finally endorse, without reservation.
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